


Rain

by assassin_inthe_scoutregiment



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 04:46:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11913507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assassin_inthe_scoutregiment/pseuds/assassin_inthe_scoutregiment
Summary: Alice Stark, the sister of Tony, comes home to the Avengers Tower after coping with her depression alone for several weeks. With Tony and Pepper worrying about her, Alice decides it best to end her life, effectively ending their worrying and her constant pain and suffering. Bucky figures out what she's doing, and comes to the rescue.





	Rain

**Author's Note:**

> There are a couple warnings attached to this story. First and foremost, depression and suicide. Please, please, please do not read this if you believe it may trigger you, or worsen your own depression. Anxiety is another big one. This was written when I was dealing with a particularly bad depressive episode as a coping mechanism. 
> 
> All of you are loved, never forget that!

Rainy days were your favorite. Others love of summer was something you could never understand, nor was the love of the blistering cold winters. The rain, however, there was just something about it. You could open your windows just enough to hear the constant plinking of raindrops splattering against the glass. You could brew a strong mug of tea and enjoy the soothing warmth sliding down your throat and slowly heating you from the inside out. You could open the blinds and watch the various shades of grey cross the sky.

At the moment the sky was a deep, dark grey, bordering on black. The rain pounded relentlessly, so you stuffed a towel in the windowsill to capture any stray drops of water from dripping into an electric outlet, or onto one of the many cords running behind the small, white table beside your chair. Soft music accompanied the pitter-patter of rain giving you the perfect opportunity to dance easily across your small living room, the mug of Lady Grey in hand as you stepped around your cat who was currently mesmerized by the sway of your feet. She hopped towards each foot as you took another step, then curled her body around your ankle, then released so you could make another movement.

Today was a day you'd been looking forward to for weeks. It was the first day you'd had completely to yourself in ages. While you missed the constant chattering from the Avengers, or your admittedly few friends from college, the silence sat content in your heart. You'd instructed JARVIS to keep everyone out of your suite in the tower, and to continue playing music softly. The genre didn't really matter, you only wanted the background noise so you could read, or work on the paper you had due when you returned to classes in the near future. You still weren't quite sure when you would return, but knew you would sometime before finals.

Tony was adamant that you complete college with the best grades possible. As a Stark, the grades came easily. You had the same intelligence as your brother, but a very different approach to it all. He took college in stride, never once stopping to wonder if he could do it, because he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, he could. You, on the other hand, constantly second guessed yourself. Living in Tony's shadow throughout high school had been easy. College was an incredibly different story. The second a professor discovered who you were they instantly expected more, no matter the subject or difficulty. It was the expectations that made you want to quit. You knew you were smart- even Tony had problems understanding the line of work you were studying for- but everyone knowing the name made you want to scream. Days like today helped you forget about the constant pressure. They let you relax, drink your tea, and play with your cat who hadn't let your side since you'd come home a few nights before.

"Miss Stark, your brother is overriding my systems to come in the room." JARVIS's cool voice announced through the intercom. You sighed Of course Tony would do that.

You couldn't really blame him, though. After the breakdown you'd had a couple days ago, Tony was bound to be protective. If that included completely invading your privacy, then so be it. You didn't bother turning towards the door when he walked in with a call of your name. He sounded hesitant, which was odd for him. He always waltzed into a room with an air of arrogance about him.

"Alice?" He called out again, trying to figure out where you were in the suite. For all he knew you could be sleeping, and he'd interrupted a nap you desperately needed. You didn't respond, but quickly curled up in your chair and pretended to be asleep. Maybe he'd leave you alone to enjoy the rain a while longer if he thought you were sleeping.

The living room door opened slowly, giving Tony a sight he had hoped to see. His little sister was cocooned in blankets in her chair, her cat, Chess, perched happily on her shoulder. Her chest rose and fell in a perfect rhythm, but slightly too fast for Alice to have actually been sleeping. Tony shook his head, not in annoyance or anger, but in defeat. She had barely spoken to him since she showed up at the tower, soaking wet, crying, and a general mess three days prior. To say he was worried would have been an understatement. Tony had raised Alice from a baby, when his, and your, parents had died. She was the one thing that managed to keep him from completely self-destructing over the years, and yet here she was barely sleeping, not eating, and spending her days locked in her room. Watching her do this was torture for Tony, but he knew she must have been suffering something much worse.

"Alice?" He spoke her name again, this time wiggling her shoulder just enough to make Chess move. The black and white cat indignantly meowed, but obliged. "I know you're not asleep. You need to eat something." His concern was barely masked. "If you don't get up, I'll drag you out." Knowing full well Tony would carry through on this threat, Alice opened her eyes to glance at him.

She didn't speak a word, but let his eyes scan her identical ones for a read on her. The last thing she wanted was to be around others, and this tower was crawling with Avengers and miscellaneous Stark Industries staff. There was a very good reason why she had barricaded herself away from them all. She'd come out whenever she felt like it.

"Alice Maria, please." The please added an extra weight. Tony didn't say 'please' to anyone. People just did things for him. The 'please' changed her mind slightly. Alice uncurled so she could face her brother.

"Because you said please." You conceded, tossing the blanket aside. Tony's face bore a minuscule grin. Anyone who didn't know your brother would mistake it for a smirk, but you knew the difference. A smirk didn't have the ever so slight curve. You knew he was counting your moving as a victory. You counted it a tragedy. Moving meant speaking with others, and that was simply something you didn't want to do.

"Pepper made dinner for everyone. I'm just asking you eat a few bites, and sit with us for ten minutes. After that, you can come back up here." You reached down to pick up Chess. She purred happily at your touch.

"Who's everyone?" Bruce and Steve, or even Bucky, would be manageable with Pepper and Tony, but you weren't sure you could handle the others right now. Natasha read into everyone's actions and motives too much, you just couldn't bring yourself to like her. Clint was constantly trying to parent everyone who frowned for even a second. Thor was just loud and brash every time you'd been around him. Loki would be a welcome addition to the group, but you highly doubted anyone would be letting you near him. As one of the only residents of the tower untrained in combat, Tony wouldn't allow you near a threat. Little did he know that you spoke with Loki as often as possible. You and he were kindred spirits, of sorts. He was calm, quiet, and possessed a thought process akin to your own. The difference was, you never intended on using your knowledge or influence to rule others; you could barely rule yourself sometimes, let alone a realm.

"Us, Pep, the super soldiers, and Banner." At least you could hold a conversation with the Avengers in attendance without feeling judged. "You and Barnes always get along. Maybe you could talk to him for a little while." While Tony's words were true, you just didn't want human interaction. Your brain was in neutral, and you weren't exactly in control of your words or actions at the moment. Speaking with others seemed like a huge task, but one you would bear if it would alleviate the pain with which your brother watched you so closely.

"Maybe. Bucky is always nice to talk to. He seems to get things I can't really put into words." Tony's smile twitched for a second. Saying you'd consider speaking with someone was a huge accomplishment for the day.

Speaking with Bucky would be a massive feat for you today. Knowing all he had lived through either gave you hope when you spoke, or made things much worse. Sometimes you kept the mentality that if he could live through Hydra, and come back to himself, then you could fight the battle rattling around in your brain. Other times you could see the hand he'd been dealt, and beat yourself into oblivion. He'd managed to work through his problems, problems that were exponentially worse than yours, and you couldn't even handle stress. What was wrong with you? 

Without even talking to him, you already knew which way you would process everything. It was one of those days where you swore you were screaming in a crowded room, yet nobody could see you were screaming for help. At this point, any given thing would run that way.

Tony pressed the button on the elevator for the main floor, where everyone spent the majority of their time.

"Or Bruce. You mentioned wanting to talk to him for the paper you've been working on. Maybe you guys could spend some time in the lab later. You're always comfortable in the labs. Every time you and Bruce start working on something you guys wind up spending hours in there working with chemicals I can't even pronounce."

"Bruce is good at keeping me focused. He might be my best choice right now." The little grin Tony had before vanished. Why did you say that? Tony's gonna think you don't want him.

"I know you don't talk to Cap very much, but he's a lot wiser than he ever lets on. We've had our disagreements, but he's always someone I can turn to. I'd put money on he's more than willing to spend some time with you too." With that, you realized Tony was slightly upset. Saying he and Steve had had their 'disagreements' was an understatement. The two were ready to rip the other's throat out half the time. It's exactly why you tried to avoid Steve when he was around. You didn't think or act like your brother, but you'd seen the captain angry, and it scared you to death. You didn't want to be on the receiving end of so much as a glare, let alone a punch.

Not that Steve Rogers would ever threaten you. Even when he and your brother had been at their worst, he always looked out for your safety. Even after their spats during the Battle of New York, and the events in Sokovia, Steve always made sure you were safe. When Ultron threatened to come after you to cause Tony harm, Steve and Tony guarded your dorm room until Ultron had been confirmed far away from you. Family meant the world to the captain. He wasn't about to let you get injured in the crossfires from any threat tossed your way, even if it meant helping Tony.

Steve was just intimidating. He was a legend. You'd grown up seeing pictures of your dad and him from the war. You'd constantly been surrounded by people asking if Tony would attempt to recreate the Captain America serum, and sell it to the government under Stark Industries name. Rogers was the perfect human, always just in his cause. You knew you'd never be like that, and was convinced he would eventually believe you were in the way of his mission. Plain and simple, you were afraid of him.

"Probably not. I could also just go back to my floor with Chess, and watch a movie. That sounds best." The pair stepped out of the elevator. Tony blocked the heavy, wooden doors to the dining room.

"If you do that, you have to promise me you'll come out of hiding tomorrow. Or, talk to someone in hiding. You're scaring me, Alice. The last couple days aren't like you at all." A dark chuckle jumped through your mouth. Tony gave you a pointed stare when you realized this wasn't something you were meant to laugh at. "I'm serious." Tony's eyes darkened a bit. "Promise me."

You considered his deal for a moment, languishing the last moments away from everyone else before you knew he would force you into the room.

"Fine." Your voice was flat, unemotional.

Bucky watched as Alice walked in the room. She half-way hid behind Tony, hoping the others would just ignore her presence. Steve continued conversing with Bruce about some sort of scientific nonsense that Bucky just couldn't care about. Pepper was still in the kitchen adding the final touches to dinner. She was dishing out a buffet of homemade Chinese, complete with noodles and a few rolls of sushi. While Bucky didn't know what most of the food was, Bruce had mentioned it was Alice's favorite, so he would eat everything he could to learn why she liked it so much.

"Hey everyone, look who finally left Wonderland." Tony joked, leaving the room quickly to help Pepper. Suddenly all attention was on Alice, who held Chess closely, and nervously glanced around the room. Steve sat between Bruce and Bucky, leaving several chairs empty.

"Hi guys." She squeaked. Bruce gave her a greeting through a smile, as did Steve, but Bucky actually stood up, and walked to her side.

"Hey Alice." He greeted warmly, grabbing her in the most comforting hug he could muster. Bucky took extra care not to squish the small girl under his left arm. His head rested atop hers for a moment before Tony popped back in the room, a tray full of food in tow. Bucky looped her fingers between his. His motion wasn't meant as a romantic gesture, but to comfort her. From his own experience, occasionally having someone make a little move that showed they cared could make the entire difference in his day. Alice followed him to her chair. She sat Chess down in the chair beside her, then took her seat.

The food looked amazing, but smelled even better. For everything Pepper was, a bad cook wasn't one of them. Tony and Pepper laid the heaping trays between the Avengers sitting at the table. Several dishes called to you from the trays. Your eyes trailed to the General Tso's, fried rice, and a California Roll. Your plate was quickly filled. Tony tossed you a Coke.

Sometimes eating was difficult. Despite being hungry, and the food looking perfect, you'd only manage a few bites before you went running to the nearest bathroom for every bit to just come back up. It's like there was a signal from your brain to your stomach, telling you that nourishment was poison. Other times you could eat, but only a small amount until you felt full. You weren't sure how this particular instance would run. The only form of nutrition you'd had in three days had been water, a few chips, and a bag of popcorn.

Everyone was eating, aside from you and Bucky. You pushed the chicken from place to place on your plate while he watched you, noting how you rearranged the meal to only appear as if you'd been eating.

"How's college going?" Bruce broke up the silence that had settled over the group. You shrugged. You were passing all your classes with flying colors, and were on track to graduate within a few months.

"It's good. I've been spending a lot of time at Three-Mile Island sampling the environment, radiation, and biologicals. I've been conducting a few experiments with the residual radiation there. It's causing raised cancer rates in all vegetation, animal life, and humans within about a ten mile radius, and consistently exposing those close to around 1.4 mrem/year. It's nothing huge, but the alpha and gamma are being blamed for the increased cancers. I'm trying to identify which one, assuming the radiation is actually causing the rates and not a biological, and start shielding the facility better."

Bruce seemed amazed at your studies. Students weren't typically offered the chance to work in the field, but yet you were, and you were doing very well with it. His emerald eyes were wide with interest.

"That's wonderful! The emitters are primarily Xenon and Krypton, right? You'll love working with those, just make sure you have all the proper shielding, or they get messy quick." A smile graced your lips for a second.

"If you'd like, you can come with me when I go back next semester. I'm sure I can use your help." Your offer made him smile.

"I just might take you up on that. It's been ages since I've gotten to get out and do field work."

The sounds of scraping forks and chewing filled the room. Bucky had began eating after watching you talk, but still watched your actions closely. You choked down two bites of rice, took a swig of coke, then watched everyone else. Your ten minutes was up, and you needed a good excuse to leave.

"So, Alice, what exactly is it that you're studying? Tony's tried to explain it to me, but I don't really understand." Steve, of all people, spoke up. Internally, you groaned. You just wanted to go back to your room.

"It's a branch of environmental engineering that focuses on radiation and chemistry. I'll be graduating with a doctorate in environmental and in chemistry next semester. Most of it is just sampling and testing stuff. Occasional disaster clean up. After everything here in New York I had a blast handling the fallout." That description earned a chuckle from all in attendance. "You guys are a miracle for the environmental world. Keep busting up buildings, and I'll keep a good job." This earned another.

"You could always operate the environmental section of Stark Industries, and never have to worry about keeping a good job." Tony suggested.

"Or, I can branch out, and not run a company. I'd rather be in the field." Your stomach started churning. Why are you like this? Why can't you hold down two bites of rice?

"Or, you can be safe and sound where I can keep an eye on you in case someone ever tries to go after you because of me." Your stomach tightened a little bit more.

"Tony, we've talked about this." Your voice was uneven. Between your stomach slowly threatening to dump those whole, two bites of dinner, and Tony arguing your future in front of everyone, you had to get out. "C'mon Chess." You called your cat, scooted back the chair, and practically ran from the room.

Each Avenger in attendance eyed one another for a moment after Alice fled the room. Tony stared at her empty seat until Pepper placed a hand on his shoulder, hoping to pull him out of the daze he was trapped in. Bucky took her plate to the kitchen to clean. He couldn't handle the silent judgement being passed around the table.

"Tony, we have to figure out what's going on with her. She's scaring me." Pepper confided in her counterpart. His head shook involuntarily as a hand raked through the mess of dark hair atop his head.

"She won't talk to anyone, Pep. Believe me, I've tried." Tony placed both elbows on the table then rested his head in his hands. Bucky stayed in the kitchen, listening to the conversation happening behind the door.

Steve's teeth clenched. His jaw was tight, his eyebrows were furled in confusion. Alice had never been close to him, but even he could tell when somebody was upset. Whatever was going through her head wasn't good. The look on her face, the blank, emotionless gaze she watched everything with was one he saw nearly everyday after he was unfrozen. It was caused by a feeling of nothingness, of uselessness, like she didn't belong.

Bruce liked to think he knew Alice well. Since he'd become part of the Avengers, and met Alice, they had become good friends. She never judged him for the Hulk. She never feared him, or tip-toed around him, whether that be in the form of questions, or how she treated him. Alice truly respected Bruce for the human he was, and she never let him forget that he was, in fact, human. The respect was most definitely reciprocated. While he tended to spend more time with Tony, Alice was always a welcome addition to their forays into science. Bruce didn't have siblings until he met the Starks, and now he had two constant companions to speak with when he was particularly beating himself up. When Alice had her bad days, Bruce was always there for her. When Tony called three nights ago, Bruce flew to New York from Washington immediately. He had to check on Alice.

"Have you tried letting her actually chose her future?" Steve, much to Bruce's amazement, spoke up. "She really doesn't seem like the idea of running a company, or even working for it, is what she want out of life."

"Yes, but I know what's better for her. The world is dangerous. I've made it more dangerous for her, and she can't protect herself. You guys have met her; Alice is so docile and quiet. She'll get killed out there, and it will be my fault. I have to protect her." Bucky chuckled in the kitchen at Tony's argument. Yes, Alice was quiet and docile, but she also had a fire in her that wasn't easily extinguished. She couldn't fight; she didn't know how, but you could put money on her ability to manipulate someone. Alice didn't need a suit, she could talk anyone into anything, and make them think it was their idea without realizing it, or her even realizing she made them do it.

"If protection is the real issue, build her a suit. Have Buck and I teach her to fight. Buy her a gun, and teach her how to use it." His jaw set pointedly. Bucky walked back in the room after hearing the silent tension setting in. Leave it to Steve to state what nobody else wanted to hear, but what was also the truth.

Tony's eyes turned dark. His gaze shot directly at the Captain who wore a rather annoyed look upon his face.

"And you would know so much about what the real issue is, wouldn't you? You're who she talks to about every little thing, right? Cap, you can cut out the big brother routine. Nobody else here knows Alice better than I do."

Chess paced the room anxiously as you slammed the door, manually locked it, and threatened JARVIS should he let Tony in again. You didn't care what it took, Tony was not to come in until you said so. Nobody else was allowed until further notice either. Eating dinner had been a mistake. Letting Tony talk you into socializing was a mistake. Coming to the tower instead of a hospital had been a mistake.

Everything had been a mistake. College, your career field, living under Tony's shadow; every last thing in your life had been a mistake. A huge mistake. Being around all of these amazing people made you realize how little you would ever amount to. Sure, you were a good student, a smart student, but brains did not matter in the world you lived in. Super hero world was crazy, and you didn't belong, despite the protests of Tony and Pepper. You simply didn't. You couldn't harm a fly, let alone learn to fight. You were a liability to the Avengers, to SHIELD, and to every agency involved with the two.

Your feet found their way back to your chair. The blanket you'd been hiding under earlier still laid haphazardly against the arm of the chair. Then it was covering your shoulders, and Chess paced back and forth in circles around your feet, softly mewing and purring with each pass. He finally quieted, taking his place laying on the excess blanket pooled at your feet. His paws batted lazily across the fabric looking for a string to pull. While Chess was content, you were squirming internally.

"Chess, I'm just so tired of this." He didn't answer, but you hadn't expected him to, but hearing your voice bounce around the room was a pleasant reminder that you had something you could control. "It's not Tony, not really. He's overbearing, but his head is in the right place." Chess meowed as if to respond. "It's me. I'll have this degree. I have this life. I have everything I've ever wanted, and I feel guilty for it, Chess. I don't matter. I never have. I'm a rich kid living on the legacy her father left behind, and trying to not get in the way of everyone else."

The rain was falling harder now. The sky had dulled completely to black. Well, not black. New York never allowed for the light in the sky to diminish to black. It more so faded to shades of blue and yellow, creating a hazy green coating the streets, skies, and everything in between. This familiar sight tended to bring calm to your heart. The last few days it hadn't, and you just couldn't figure out why.

Nothing was making sense anymore. Things you used to love were paling in comparison to things you hated. You'd always worn a facade of smiles, but it was becoming harder to do this successfully by each day.

And no, it wasn't Tony. It wasn't the ridiculous life you'd been privileged to. It wasn't even knowing you weren't anything close to the Avengers other than Tony's kid sister. Something so deep in your bones ached. It seeped into your every waking thought, and rarely let you sleep. Time was irrelevant now, when you used to plan out every facet of the day. No more were there study times set aside, or an hour to read, or a specified time for you to simply do nothing. No, everything spun together rapidly. You went from one extreme to the next, and never had a moments rest to ensure your enthusiasm for the next item on your agenda.

Truth be told, the significant lack of organized time was only a piece of the puzzle. You frequently found yourself questioning morals, and the social constructs put in place that ever fascinated, yet confused your soul. Sticking out like a sore thumb was nothing new, but you had all but quit caring about this. Nothing phased you anymore, and yet everything sent you reeling into a pit of anxiousness and despair.

What if I just didn't exist? Tony wouldn't have to worry about me. Bruce wouldn't have to answer my texts when I wake up with nightmares. Nobody else would have to deal with me anymore.

It wasn't a suicide wish, per say. It was more of a wish to stop existing. To let the world continue on without your influence. With one less person, you'd be one less mouth to feed around the tower, and wouldn't Tony be the only one who would really miss you? Pepper would too, but she would get over it in time. Besides, its not like you hadn't contemplated this before. Pepper and Tony should expect this by this point.

Chess was sleeping at your feet. You rolled the blanket up around his purring form and unfolded your arms from under your knees. A shower might help for a little while anyway.

You grabbed a set of clean clothes; jeans and a black Stark Industries hoodie, sat them down on the sink, and turned on the faucet. Only hot water flowed into the bathtub. Not a shower, a hot bath might help. You stripped down, then climbed in the bath with your cell phone in hand.

You hadn't checked your phone since earlier this morning. Nobody from college had tried to contact you, but your phone was flashing a blue light meaning there were missed texts sitting in your inbox.

Tony: Doing okay up there?  
Need anything?  
Pepper wants to know if you want to talk to her. She's worried something happened that you don't want to talk to me about.  
Alice?  
I'm sorry for what I said at dinner. Cap and I had a few words, and I may have been a little over-protective. Alice, I swear I didn't mean to come off as controlling, or rude, or anything like that. You're all I have in this world other than Pep, and you're my baby sister. It's hard seeing you grow up and choose your life for yourself. I want you to be happy, and to do whatever it takes for you to be happy. Forgive me?

And now you were crying again. Tony just didn't understand. He had nothing to do with what you were, or what you were doing. The idea of Tony being torn up over you being gone was one of the few things keeping you from doing it to begin with. You slumped down in the hot bathwater, but kept your phone, hands, and head above the water. Tears dropped from your chocolate eyes in drops large enough to rival the amount of water spouting from the faucet. In an effort to suede his guilt, you texted him back.

Alice: Nothing like that happened, and that I swear. What you said freaked me out. Not because of what you said, but how I handled it. You're definitely forgiven, and I'm sorry for every little bit of panic I've caused you. I'm not worth it.

Send. The next set of messages were from Bucky. There were only two there, waiting to be read.

Bucky: Wanna talk?  
I will break into your room if you don't start talking to someone. I can, and I will. Don't think I won't.

Bucky was something else. He was always up to talk to you about anything, and was the only one you didn't mind being completely honest with. He wouldn't miss you. You were the girl he talked to when nobody else was available to speak with. It didn't matter that you legitimately enjoyed his company. Bucky was incredible for everything he'd been through, but to him you had to be nothing more than some girl who thought her life was awful. You never thought that, but sometimes nothing was right.

Alice: The door is locked, but there's a key stashed in a copy of Gone With the Wind in the sixteenth floor library on my desk. Give me a few minutes. I'm in the bath.

Bucky: Okay.

You laid your phone down on the tile floor. The water is an easy way to go. I've been awake for a couple days without sleep. They'll just think I fell asleep. I was just texting Bucky and Tony. They won't think I did this on purpose. And Tony wont have to find me. Then your head was under water. The heat was pleasant, loving, and rewarding. It flowed endlessly around your body keeping you warm from any cold the world was offering against it.

You breathed in, allowing the water to fill your nostrils, then down your throat then to your lungs. Your body fought against the water, forcing you to attempt coughing. You fought it by breathing in more of the warming liquid. Somewhere between the fourth and fifth breath your mind began to drift away from the act of breathing. It shifted into acceptance, and you quit fighting yourself.

\------

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, Let it Be.

The Beatles had always been your favorite band. From the moment you first heard Hello Goodbye in Tony's lab when you couldn't have been but ten years old, they had been your favorite.

And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, Let it be.

They were relaxing. Their voices overlaying with one another gave you reason to smile when their tones harmonized perfectly. A sleepy smile glazed over your face.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree. There will be an answer, let it be. And though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see. There will be an answer, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Yeah there will be an answer, let it be.

"C'mon, Alice, don't do this." Why the Hell were you hearing Bucky over The Beatles? Where was your memory of Tony telling you how to work the record player so you could listen to their first album over and over while he worked on weapons? Where was your blissful nothing? "Alice, please."

Let it be, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Yeah there will be an answer, let it be.

And though the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow, let it be. O, will I make up the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

"Don't be dead." You heard before feeling cold tile against your skin and metal on your chest. Your eyes flitted long enough for you to see sheer panic flooding the Winter Soldier's features. His eyes darkened to a stormy grey, his brow furrowed in exasperation, then he took a breath and started chest compressions.

It didn't take long before you were jolting up, spewing water from your lungs. Bucky grabbed a towel for you to cover yourself, then immediately carried you to the bedroom where he sat you down on the bed and rolled a blanket over your crying form.

Let it be, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Yeah there will be an answer, let it be.

The song was sticking out. Through tears, water, and emotion, Let It Be struck a chord through everything. You laid perfectly still, staring at the ceiling, and let every tear you'd held back fall. Every ounce of hatred, malice, and discontent loosened it's grip, and you bawled.

Anger and annoyance with Tony? Gone.

Frustration with college? Gone.

While you could still feel depression pulling it's strings in the background, you couldn't help but feel genuine thankfulness for life in this fleeting moment of serenity. Sure you'd be it's puppet again, but, for now, you'd cracked through the seams and were fully experiencing something for the first time in months.

Chocolate eyes opened wide. You shoved a solitary clump of hair from your face, then stared at the ceiling. Indigo, like the night sky, with flecks of violet and charcoal dotting along in no particular order.

Bucky intently watched your every move. From your eyes opening to you rolling to your side and tucking your knees to your chest. Crying wasn't quite the correct word for what you were doing. It was more of a gentle sob, but what mattered was that you could do it, that you were alive to cry.

You'd been laying there crying for so long you hadn't noticed Bucky sitting on the bed running his fingers through your hair. Or him whispering something softly under his breath.

"Breath, just breathe." His voice was so much softer than you'd ever heard before. It wasn't gruff or pained. It was flooded with concern and a little something else you couldn't identify. Love? No, not in the romantic sense, anyway. Friendship could have a powerful love, a love you had often doubted anyone else held for you. Bucky was so distant and aloof at the best of times, but was always there when you wanted to talk. He made you feel better about everything so much of the time, and yet you still debated whether or not he cared for you at all. Your head wouldn't let you believe anything else, but here he was, combing his fingers through your hair and whispering into your ear while you were dealing with the most drastic choice you'd ever made in your life.

"If you can calm down enough to listen, repeat after me." You nodded, sniffled, then listened. "My name is Alice Stark." You didn't copy him. "Alice, please. This will help, trust me." Bucky telling you to trust him was redundant, you trusted him with your life.

"My name is Alice Stark." You hesitantly replied, not trusting your voice to refrain from cracking. The sound was wavered and minuscule,but loud enough for Bucky to hear you.

"My brother is Tony Stark. I'm in college for environmental engineering." You took a deep breath.

"My brother is Tony Stark. I'm in college for environmental engineering." Bucky nodded after you took another breath. The crying was ebbing slightly, giving your voice much more power than previously.

"My cat's name is Chess, short for Cheshire."

"My cat's name is Chess, short for Cheshire." Another breath, another sentence.

"My closest friend is a hundred year old assassin." You snorted, earning a grin from said hundred year old assassin.

"My closest friend is a hundred year old assassin." Your breathing was returning to normal, and your crying had all but stopped. You released your arms from your knees then rolled over to face Bucky who was still coming your hair. He'd worked the knots left from water out of one, individual section, leaving it smooth and easy to maneuver.

"Can you breath alright now?" His words were soft, like cotton.

"I-I think so. Why did you have me do that?" You questioned softly.

"Steve makes me do it when I'm breaking down. It's supposed to help ground you, and help you remember what's real versus what's happening in your head. I swear it's saved my life a time or two." He took a deep breath in.

His caramel irises met a pair of chocolate ones for a brief second, and suddenly you understood the depth of his help for you. Bucky was someone who didn't believe his life was worth living, and still continued to live despite everything. Bucky, who fought everyday not to do what you'd just done, was sitting here making sure you didn't try again.

"How long was I in there?" You mumbled, still gazing into his eyes. He blinked quickly.

"Just a minute or two. Long enough that you're not dead. Tony made a comment about you apologizing for everything, and saying you weren't worth worrying, so I picked the lock and broke in your suite."

You laid there, not saying a word or looking at him. You glanced at the ceiling, then back to Bucky.

"Why did you do it, Alice? You've mentioned it before, but never acted on the idea. Why?"

Both of you sat in silence for several minutes while words swam through your head. Everyone else controlling my life. Not being allowed to live. Depression; what I would give to live without constantly feeling nothing. Anxiety; what I would give to live without always breaking down over the paper due in a month every time I think of it. College in general. It's so lonely there. I have no one there. No one to so much as talk to when I'm having an especially bad day. You guys have too much else to worry about without adding me to the equation. I'm tired of being a Stark, and being in the public eye every time I use the restroom. It's a never ending cycle.

All of this aside, you came down to one simple reason: I'm done with everything.

"Everything."

"Everything?"

"Everything. You and Bruce are my only friends. He has too much to deal with in general, and you are always on missions. I can't bother you when it could literally kill you. Then there's school. I love learning, but the stress is too much. If I fail one class, I'm out of my program. If my GPA drops below a 3.875, I fail. Coming here this week has already put me so far behind in classes I may not graduate anyway, but I couldn't handle knowing what all was happening. Something in me just cracked, and suddenly I had been sitting in my apartment for four hours just crying and staring at a wall with every thought in the world flying through my mind. I had to get out of there. It's why I came here."

The room quieted for several minutes while you carefully thought over your next words. Words are precarious little things. Speak the wrong words, and you can bring an entire nation to its feet in revolt. Uttering the right words can bring you anything you choose in life. For the first time in your life you didn't know what to say.

"Have you ever saw who you are, what you've become, and hate every bit of it?" Bucky broke the silence with a hushed question. "And every little thing just seems like more than you can handle? Like, noises are excruciating, anything you touch feel like knives stabbing you where ever you were touched. "

You nodded. Bucky had literally felt knives stabbing him all over, he'd heard noises loud enough to make him want to bash his head in. Bucky had dealt with more than his fair share of pain. He'd dealt the same pain to others against his will. Of course he would feel like that from time to time.

"I'd take that over having to deal with what rattles around in my brain sometimes. Tell me exactly what you were thinking that pushed you over."

Silence, again.

"That nobody would think I'd actually tried to kill myself. That whoever found me would think I'd fallen asleep in the bath. That's why I texted you and Tony back. It seemed like a good idea to keep everyone from thinking I'd done it on purpose. You guys shouldn't have to worry about me."

A chuckle escaped his throat. You weren't sure whether is was on purpose, or if the sound fell from an involuntary reaction.

"That might have worked on Tony and Pepper. They'd be in denial, and believe that because they wanted to. Your body would have woken you up when you breathed in water unless you were drugged. The rest of us would have known. Bruce would be a mess. Steve would obsess over how he could have prevented it. I-I would have lost the only person who seems to be okay with who and what I am, despite what I've done to her own family. The person I talk to as soon as I get through a mission, to let her know I'm alive and fine afterwards. Yeah, I've got Steve, but you help me understand the world now. You give me your honest opinions and thoughts. I've apparently not been good at showing how thankful I am for you if you honestly believe you're not worth worrying over." His voice rose as he passionately explained. He was sitting up now, yet still messing with your hair.

The chuckle was definitely not something done on purpose.

"Why do I matter so much?" You wrapped the blanket tight then sat up. Bucky squeezed his right arm around your shoulders.

"You remind me of my sister. She was so sweet, innocent, and loved everyone enthusiastically. Her hair was a little lighter than yours, and her eyes a little darker. She humbled me on more occasions than I can remember. You and her have so many similarities, it's almost scary." He chuckled. "But you're so different in every way as well. You're you, and that's what makes you matter so much. For what it's worth, I'd miss you like crazy."

You sat in silence for several minutes, letting the sound of rain tapping on the window beside the bed fill the room.

"Can you help me get through this?" Your voice quivered uncertainly.

"With anything you need, Alice." His eyes met yours once more.

"Can you just stay with me tonight? Just hold me, and make sure I'm okay?" More uncertainty, but Bucky simply smiled.

"If that's what you want, then I won't leave your side. But, first, you should probably put on some clothes." Bucky got up from the bed and kept his back turned to you.

You dropped the blanket on the bed, then grabbed the comfiest looking shorts and t-shirt. A few moments later Bucky had changed into pajamas. You laid your head on his chest as his left arm wrapped protectively around you once again.

"I know I've got Tony, but you make a pretty good older brother. Your sister was lucky to have you." A smile rose on Bucky's lips.

"Well, you've got me now. I'm not leaving any time soon, Alice."


End file.
